Hide or Seek

January 6th, 2014

peekaboo bunnyOf course, we didn’t talk about retrievers. In fact, that first conversation with my birth mom may have been the only time they were mentioned. The initial shock of having found her, and so quickly, had me temporarily addle-brained, but with subsequent days and conversations, we became phone and e-mail friends. She went out of her comfort zone to learn how to use her computer so she could write me, but preferred phone conversations. It was only about a week before she began asking when we were going to be able to meet. Until her open door invitation, I thought I was ready. I wasn’t. Not only did I have a full time teaching job, it was my busiest ‘season’… [more]

Tears and Retrievers

January 5th, 2014

HAPPY TEARSMarty did tell the truth. He did call his sister. Oh, to have been a fly on the wall to hear him begin that conversation! Was he abrupt and to the point; soft and shy? As he’d told us, when his little sister became pregnant, he’d been underway with the Navy and had remained so until sometime after she’d given birth. Her pregnancy was never discussed. Perhaps if ignored, that whole episode would just go away. How sad for her, how very, very sad. But for him at this moment, how awkward…and yet to be the bearer of what he hoped would be glad tidings… Waiting in limbo, I did a lot of self-talking about how I would react if she… [more]

Being Me

January 4th, 2014
Categories: Uncategorized

Being yourself is powerful, but when you don't have a solid fix on who you are its nearly impossible to do anything but live in the same cycle. The year of 2013 took me from highs I had never experienced before, to lows I was sure I wasn't going to come out of alive. In all areas of my life I have been stretched like never before out here in California. I have learned that its absolutely necessary to have ridiculous faith levels  if you want to achieve greatness with God, and in life. It hasn't been easy. Every paradigm of my identity I have ever thought was me was cleaned up or thrown away. One of the things I identified with a lot was shame. I didn't feel worthy of love or… [more]

5 years later

December 30th, 2013
Categories: Uncategorized

I am convinced that I should write a book. Do something amazing. Oh wait, I did.


December 30th, 2008

Five years ago, on a cold and snowy evening I gave birth to a son. I called him Phoenix (AP named him Jimmy). When I held him in my arms for the first time, I didn't let go. In five days of me being in the hospital, I held him almost the entire time. I cried until my eyes were swollen shut and I could hardly speak. I was incoherent at best and at worst, not even aware of anything going on around me. I was oblivious to the nurses, to the medication being administered, or the prying questions or… [more]

IEP – The Meeting Finally!!!!

December 10th, 2013

3955153817_6095f44e53_q[1]So we finally went to the meeting for my daughters IEP. It has been about a month since I last wrote about it but I was absolutely shocked at the fact of how the teachers would not take responsibility for their actions. It seems as though they were trying to blame everything on my daughter and the fact that she has a disability but, without saying it because obviously they can't. The IEP meeting started with reading her goals and it was funny because they started doing all of these assessment tests to try to show that my daughter was making a lot of progress. I of course have been monitoring my daughters education and I have a tutor working with… [more]

Her Grief is our Joy

December 8th, 2013

baby bed As I sit across from her, my husband by my side, I am overwhelmed with grief.  She is holding my baby girl that she gave birth to. We are all in tears, even the social worker.  Today is suppose to be one of the happiest days of my life, but all I feel is sadness.  Today is placement day. We will be taking our baby girl home today.  I have thought about this day for a long time. I have thought of the emotions I would feel at this moment, but I honestly never thought I would feel complete grief. The grief is not mine, it is hers. She is placing her baby for adoption.  She is trusting us to be… [more]

An Uncle Found

December 5th, 2013

Needle in HaystackHazel had given us Marty's name. (See that story HERE.) It was sudden and unexpected. At first, she had nothing to offer, but after a bit of time on the phone with my husband, Hazel came through. There's more to her story...I'll continue with that a bit later. Could it possibly be that only that day, I had received my non-identifying information in the mail, and by that evening, I had found my uncle? Yes. It is true. As it turned out, Marty was my uncle. My mother's older brother. He obviously loved my birth mom because as my husband revealed her full name and started asking questions, Marty became defensive...aggressively so. This man was a protector. As I… [more]

Sealed With a Law

November 24th, 2013
Posted By: on Adoptee

I was adopted from New Jersey, which, like many other states, has sealed records for adoptees with closed adoptions.   Year by year, states are starting to open records for adoptees.  Every year, I search New Jersey papers online hoping to glimpse, "Adoptee Records to be Unsealed for New Jersey Adoptees." This topic of sealed records is always a hot one in the world of adoption.  I have always thought adoptees records being sealed was rediculous, and nobody had a right to do such a thing!   I remember back in college, I turned 21, and went out to a bar.  I had an out of state license, and the bouncer didn't believe it was legit. I knew he would have an issue, so I brought along my birth certificate.  I gave it to him… [more]

Moving from a Name to a Voice

November 21st, 2013

ON PHONEWith me sitting alongside him, my husband called every male name on the list. Every time he dialed, I held my breath until someone answered. Every time no one answered or the voice on the other end claimed no knowledge of my birth mother, my heart sank a little lower. I knew I shouldn’t feel that way-we'd only begun our search-but this phase was like slow torture! Finally, we came to the end of the list without even a clue of her whereabouts. I was beginning to feel a strong kinship to the little Dr. Seuss bird, silently asking every semblance of life, “Are you my mother?”  But my husband left our number with every one…and by the way… [more]

One Name Saves the Day: Making Contact

November 21st, 2013

Phone OLD DIALThere was no doubt that finding my birthmother’s name was a miracle. (Scroll to the bottom of the page to link to ‘catch-up’ posts.)  Now it was time to start making calls. We had a good list based upon her maiden name and the hope that at least one of her brothers still lived in her hometown. Just in case we hit a dead end with those, we included women with the same last name. Before I continue with the rest of the miracle story, it’s important to share the right way to go about making contact. The seven consolidated suggestions below come from research and my own experience:


1)      Keep… [more]