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What to do when after eight years, your child is still fighting the demons he came with? My oldest son was eight when we got him, and after eight years of pouring everything we have to give into him, it's as though he just arrived yesterday. We can talk about his traumatized brain, drug exposure in utero and reactive attachment disorder, but understanding doesn't change the day-to-day dynamic. The bottom line is that Gavin either refuses to let himself succeed or is simply incapable of rising above his challenges right now. All I know is that whenever something starts to go well, he sabotages himself, and thereby the family. The most dramatic example is his deliberate failures in school, multiple times a… [more]

My husband and I played a kind a game this week and tried to determine the essence of each of our children. You know, that quality that defines them, is indistinguishable from them, and no matter what they do, they will always be it. We decided my oldest son is"gentle", my daughter is "sweet" and my youngest son is "effervescent". It's helpful to distill them down to their very essence, because once we recognize it, we can use it as a filter for assessing their behavior and reactions. Deciding that my youngest son is "effervescent" has had the biggest impact. We have been so frustrated lately that he has no "off" switch and is always either moving or talking, usually annoying the heck… [more]

It has been eight years since we got the kids, and it has literally been survival mode ever since. If you've parented special needs kids (especially more than one at one time), you know what I'm talking about. It's about all you can do to get through the day handling the behaviors, not to mention the laundry, the cooking, the homework, and the after-school activities. Oh and the marriage. That takes some time to nurture, especially when problems with the kids are putting a lot of strain on it. My daughter and I have done fun things together once in a while, but it has never been a regular event.  Last Thursday we inaugurated our date night at the local yogurt… [more]

A counselor once told me, "All parents make some mistakes, a lot of parents make many mistakes, and a few parents make horrible mistakes. When you make a mistake, how you repair that damage can be powerful in bonding with your kids." I try to remember that when I'm beating myself up about having been impatient or short-tempered or unkind. People without kids are horrified (okay, maybe that's a little strong) that I would be unkind to my children. People who have their own kids are so much more compassionate about my weaknesses as a parent. If you've done the job, you know it pushes you to your absolute limit. Until I had kids, I had all kinds of opinions about parenting… [more]

My daughter says she hates me, and I don't blame her. She said that because of her birth parents, she's scared that something bad is going to happen. Her top three fears are that I'll do drugs, get divorced or beat her. I'm always impressed at her self-awareness and her ability to articulate  her feelings when we talk about these things. She said she knows these fears are irrational (my word) and that she just hates me in advance, in case any of this happens. Essentially, she's telling me what I already knew: She has Reactive Attachment Disorder. What really broke my heart is to hear her say she doesn't think I like her or love her, and she thinks she's… [more]

I've been thinking about the royal pain in the neck teenagers can be, especially teenage boys. They can be so defiant, stubborn, disrespectful, disobedient and my personal favorite, unpleasant. Then it occurred to me: a sixteen-year-old boy still living with mom and dad is a relatively recent phenomenon. From antiquity to as recently as the 1800s, boys became men much earlier. Sixteen-year-olds, if not married, at least shouldered heavy responsibilities in the family, on the farm, etc. Their brains weren't any more "cooked" in the old days than they are today, but the roles they were allowed to fulfill were so much more straightforward and structured, it probably didn't matter. They didn't have to make judgments about drinking and driving a… [more]

I have to laugh, ruefully, that I now feel like the parent of a normal kid after all this time. The problem? He's a normal snotty teenager. I'd like to kill him. (Editorial note to anyone that takes themselves too seriously: That was a joke meant to relieve stress.) My husband and I decided my 16-year-old was on too many meds (4) so we took him off one of his anti-depressants (Zoloft). The result has been a much more "live" as opposed to dead, deadpan, flat kid. But with that came attitude, unpleasantness, facial expressions that make me want to slap him (again, a joke) and tones of voice that drip snot. At first we thought maybe he couldn't handle being off the… [more]

I hit rock bottom with my kids last week. It has been almost eight years since we adopted them at eight years, five years and sixteen months, and I just couldn't do it anymore. Counselors sit in nice comfy offices asking me if I understand Reactive Attachment Disorder, and I answer back that yes, I do, but it doesn't help much when I am living it every interaction, every day. The sheer exhaustion of getting push-back on what they wear, what they eat, whether they do chores, how they treat each other, homework (!!!!), t.v., vitamins, etc. It just never stops. And this on top of the medical and psychological conditions they have. The straw that broke the camel's back was my… [more]

I hate the decisions that fall to an adoptive mom to make, about really serious things, and usually without adequate info. My nine-year-old son is having so many behavior problems, we started the process for him to see a new psychiatrist (the old one that only saw him once left private practice). Justin is hyperactive and unfocused, but more dramatically, he is so fearful. We live half a block from his elementary school on a fairly busy street so we want him to walk on the sidewalk, but he regularly breaks that rule to ride his bike because he says he feels safer. There was a red-headed man in a white van this summer who allegedly tried to entice two kids… [more]

So it's been about a week of whole foods, no preservatives, no high fructose corn syrup and I am grudgingly convinced that we might be on to something. Nothing big yet but definitely some noticeable differences. First, there were the two days of apparent withdrawal from all the gunk in their food, and the kids were atrocious, like they all had PMS. Then I noticed how much easier my job is, not having to monitor what they're getting from the kitchen. There's absolutely nothing they can't eat in the kitchen anymore, so they can get whatever they want whenever they want. (I am going to have to go online and find some kind of organic chocolate bars for them or something, to… [more]