1)  Bring headphones and an iPod/MP3 player for yourself. Sometimes you really need to just drown out the whining and bickering.

2) Don’t play “the quiet game.”  Everyone hates that game and sees right through it.  If you need them to be quiet a while, just mandate it.  Or see #1

3)  Plan a lot of stops.  A lot. I figure on stopping every 100 miles or 2 hours, whichever comes first.  Looking ahead for rest areas makes this easier.

4)  Have  a “picnic” box packed each day on the road.  It should contain lunch (or lunch fixings), snacks, and activities like a large ball, jumprope and sidewalk chalk.  We love the chalk and we leave our mark at every stop.  Maybe it gives another weary traveler a smile.

5)  Do not eat in the car.  See #3.  You need to get out anyway, so eat outside.  Don’t worry if the kids don’t eat much, they haven’t burned a lot of calories.

6) Have something “special.”  Example, my kids never get Kool-aid, except on road or camping trips. Whatever “special” is at your house, save it for road trips.

7) Plan some special stops.  It’s about the journey and not just the destination.  We get so focused on where we’re going.  Make getting there part of the fun.  Picnic in special places like waterways, state parks and scenic areas.  We take forever getting to our final destination because en-route, we visit zoos, farms, wildlife refuges and science museums.  We try to make it fun.

There’s a balance between trying to make too much distance and not making progress.  Find that balance for your family.  We are good for 300-350 miles a day.  If camping, plan a hotel for the hardest travel day.

9) Celebrate each day’s ending.  When we get where we’re stopping for the night, we have “happy hour.”  No, we don’t drink (usually!).  We have a light snack, a beverage, and just take a deep breath.  The kids run in circles and explore the new spot.   THEN we start getting organized, cooking supper, etc.  It’s just nice to have something to look forward to.

10)  Let your kids be kids but don’t be afraid of boring them.  If you don’t entertain them, they won’t expect you to.  Bring diversions, bring audio books, bring music — but just relax.  They will find a million ways to amuse themselves.  And when they don’t, see #1!

Photo credit: Dreena T

That said, both our families constantly amaze me.  They have not only welcomed our children with open arms, they’ve been great cheerleaders and advocates for them.  You can not see any difference in how the family treats my kids verses all the bio kids out there.  It’s truly heartwarming.

We are en-route to visit my parents right now.  It’s a trip of some undertaking and I will be glad when we finally get there!  The wonderful thing is that once we arrive, my parents, my sister, one of my brothers, my nieces and nephews (and their children) will embrace my kids in a cocoon of family love.  It’s going to be amazing.  Even more amazing is that at no time will my kids feel any different than the “born to” kids in the family.   We will celebrate Mother’s Day, a niece’s confirmation, and Tinker’s birthday.  We’ll visit family in the mountains, we’ll see the sights and have sleep-overs.  We’ll go to church, pull weeds, and bird watch.

The other thing I am hoping to do on this trip is make contact with my half-brother.  He is my bio-dad’s child, raised apart from me and we are virtually strangers.  We’ve met 3 times in 50 years, the last time at our bio-dad’s funeral.  All of my kids have birth half-siblings they don’t know.  I am hoping that seeing me work through the issues in order to make contact with him will help them in later life.  Both my half-brothers parents are deceased now, and I think the family ties have become important to him.  He’s a fisherman and an expedition leader, so who knows, maybe we will have an adventure too!

Although as a mother, family gatherings can be a little stressful because you never know how dis-regulated your kids may become, as an adoptive mother it does my heart good to know that Dear Hubby and I are not the only ones wrapping our arms around these kids and loving them unconditionally.   I think it does them a world of good too!

Now  if we could just hurry up and get there . . .!

We travel with our kids, five in all.  We started traveling when our oldest was an infant and we’ve just never stopped.  Everyone thinks we are crazy.  They think it even more when they find out most of our travel is by car.

Dear Hubby and I talked a lot about travel before our first daughter came along.  We agreed that in air travel, something is lost.  When our oldest was just a baby, my dad said, “It’s good for kids to be bored.”  I embraced that theory.  I think it is good for kids to be bored.  I think it’s great to just stare out the window a while, or cat-nap in the back seat.  We have never had a DVD player in our car.  We’ve had audio books.  We’ve had car games.  We’ve had adventures.  We’ve had long hours of staring out the windows.

On one memorable trip that spanned 6 weeks, we were in our 3rd full day of desert.  I admit that I was starting to wonder why we’d chosen this particular route when I overheard the girls talking to each other about how this desert (in western Ariziona) differed from New Mexico’s desert, which differed from Texas’ desert.  They had a pretty long conversation about it, each arguing merits of different deserts.  This epitomizes why we travel by car; we love the experience of really being in the landscape.   That is also why we camp on our “vacations.”  Yes, you read that right, we camp.  We absolutely love it, too.  Yes it’s work, especially for me.  But it’s also incredibly fun.  Our kids have had a lot of adventures and most of them involve camping.  We’ve camped in the wilds and in cities like Memphis.  You can find an oasis almost anywhere.  (The photo is from our 2500 mile round trip camping  family reunion last August; the picture is too big to show everyone!)

But back to why people think we are crazy.  Most large families these days — aka more than 3 kids — do not travel.  Probably because air travel for seven is prohibitively expensive.  Yet we took our first trip (ironically by air) with the “new” kids only 10 days after they came to us.  And as you read this I am with all 5 of my kids, sans hubby, on a road trip that will tip the scales at 5,000 miles round trip.  And yes, we’re camping.  Cheers!

In this day of adoption registries and open adoption and in a world in which pre-marital sex and cohabitation are considered normal, it’s easy to forget about the years in which none of this was acceptable.  In the 1950’s, 1960’s and even the 1970’s, poorly timed pregnancies were shrouded in secrecy.  Young women were sent from their homes to maternity homes or “cradle societies” to live out their pregnancies.  At delivery time, these frightened and often ill-prepared young women were forced to labor alone only to have the baby whisked away at the moment of birth.  The birth of a child, normally lauded and celebrated becomes a dark blot in their memories.  Quite often the mothers were not even allowed to see or hold the baby or know the baby’s gender.

The children thus born were placed in adoptive homes and the records were sealed.  Many were never told of their origins and the adoption became a family secret, only whispered about by family elders.  In the era just before the groundbreaking fertility treatments available today, adoption was the only option for infertile couples. And secret adoption was the norm.

I cannot imagine the terrible shame and pain these young mothers endured!  What must it be like to go through a pregnancy ostracized by your family, cast away to live amongst unsympathetic strangers, only to return home with empty arms unsupported by your loved ones and unable to speak of your pain?   It is time to pull the covers off and allow the healing to begin!

I will definitely be tuning in to hear these accounts first hand.  I want to know what you think!  What is your adoption story?  Were you a part of an adoption in this time frame?  Do you think the material presented was accurate or tells the whole story?  Comment here and join in the conversation on the forum (use this link to get there!) I am looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

• Block the week before you depart on your calendar.  It takes me one day per person traveling to get everything ready.   I have already informed “the Bigs” that I will not be driving them anywhere during prep week.
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• Two or three weeks out, begin pulling outfits as they come through the wash:  warmer clothes for cooler days and nights, especially cute things, something too durable or practical to leave behind, one set of “church” clothes
• Build a “travel ready” checklist so you don’t have to start from scratch next time; improve it each time.
• Arrange pet sitters, house sitters, etc.
• Have the oil changed on the car, tires checked and have it professionally cleaned inside and out; it’s like having a new car!
• Plan on a few “down days” when you return with no appointments, etc.  You will need time to settle in.
• When you get where you are going, take time to get organized in the new space.  Make sure everyone knows where he or she is sleeping, where their pajamas are and at least one change of clothes.  Self sufficiency makes mom happy!
• Think of the “one thing” each person needs to feel content.  Pack that thing first!   Buy a duplicate if necessary.
• Refer to my “Vacationing with a Crowd” post for ideas on how to handle life on the road
• Include the kids in preparation.  Include some fun (we like to decorate our car!)
• Don’t stress too much.  My goal is to start far enough ahead that my whole family doesn’t hate me by the time we leave.  That means I need to play some music while I work, make sure I eat breakfast, and get a full night’s sleep every night the week before we go.  I don’t always succeed at achieving a happy departure but at least I try.

What works for you?  How do you get ready?

Photo credit:  DreenaT

1. Have a repertoire of “ready recipes,” things your family loves to eat that are fast and simple.  Ours includes Fettucini Alfredo or Spaghetti Carbonara, Sauteed orange chicken and rice, and pork-chop rice bake.  Use these when at wit’s end.
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2. Use your freezer.  When making a casserole, spaghetti sauce or soup, triple the recipe and freeze two meals for later.  It takes only minutes longer and saves many more.
3. Have a place for laundry and refuse to wash clothes that aren’t placed there.  Our laundry goes  straight to  the laundry room.
4. Color code your world.  It won’t be as obvious as you think!  Each of our kids has a color.  That way I know who didn’t eat, whose towel is on the floor and whose sheets I just washed.  Yes, I do forget that fast!
5. Buy most of each child’s clothes in a two color scheme.  For instance, my youngest daughter is pink and purple.  My oldest son is orange and navy.  The youngest is lime and orange but he’ll have a lot of orange and navy in a couple of years!  Reasoning:  Everything they own matches each other.  This saves a ton of time and money.
6. Buy only white socks (except for dress shoes for boys -then all black).  All you have to do is sort by size.
7. Have older kids train younger ones.   For instance, feeding pets, sorting the clean flatware into the drawer, and emptying the trash are all easy tasks for young kids which can grow into larger responsibilities.
8. Wipe down the bathrooms daily.  This saves a ton of time.  I  If you do it every day, it takes 3 minutes.  Swish out the toilet, wipe out and shine the sink, wipe off the counter and wipe off the mirror.
9. Cut yourself some slack.  Call out for Chinese or pizza on occasion; take a day off and just hang out at the park or pool.  Let the house be messy on Sundays.
10. Finally, never stop improving your system.  Keep looking at what works and what doesn’t.

What are your sanity savers?

As the next week or two went by, I began to worry.  The Captain was struggling at school.  He was hitting, fit-throwing and generally  uncooperative for at least part of each two-hour school day.  How on earth could this child succeed at a 7-hour day with “regular” kids.  Not that The Captain is “irregular.”  But his little PEAR class (Pre-school Expressive and Receptive language program) has only a handful of 3 to 5 year olds, all with speech deficits and many with  other special needs.  The class is led by a trio of loving, patient adults who recognize that this group needs different pacing than a similarly aged group would need.

Recently something seems to have triggered our son’s post-traumatic stress disorder.  As is often the case, we have no idea what triggered it.   Perhaps he saw or heard something that revived a traumatic memory.  There is no way of knowing.  All we know is that after several successful weeks in school, lately he has been struggling, at school and at home.  All we can do is reinforce our love for him but also make it clear that certain behaviors (hitting, throwing rocks) are not acceptable at any time.

In light of this and my worries, I talked to his primary care pediatrician, our developmental pediatrician and his therapist.  None of these experts could see this child succeeding in Kinder.  I’m new to all of this; my older children do not have these special needs are are homeschooled.  All three of my son’s “experts” thought we should advocate for a different plan.  When I contacted his teacher for suggestions on how to challenge the IEP, she responded quickly.

“I’ve been rethinking it too,” she said.  “This child is not ready for Kindergarten.  We will call another ARD and re-write the plan.”

What a relief.  I also learned that a parent can call an ARD meeting at any time.  So we will set up a new plan that we think will help ensure his success.  Perhaps it will be a half-day Pre-K program or even a program for kids with delays.  In any case, it will provide a stepping stone from his current tw0-hour school day to a longer day of school.

What I am learning through all of this is that as a parent, we do need to keep advocating for our children’s needs.  No one knows them better than we do and even with all the experts in our world, we need to trust that “knowing” in ourselves.  Cheers!

The Blitz is given to tantrums of late, and sometimes these shake my patience to the foundation.  How do you deal with someone who has inexplicably started screaming and thrown themselves on the floor.  Ignoring him was not working; it was definitely making things worse.  That makes perfect sense; he’s a smart kid, he knows we can hear and see him, so ignoring him just made him mad as heck.  Now I am squatting down and saying in a quiet voice, “I can see you’re upset.  Please go to your room until you feel better!”  That is, that’s what I do when I am not out of patience, in which case I point to his room and say, “Go.” Both ways work, but the first sits easier with me!

Nonetheless, he is also an affable, chatty and loving boy.  He is tiny for his age — size two is still really roomy on him — and light so he gets picked up more than most 3-year-olds.  This has led to him remaining a cuddly boy.  He still needs a fair amount of “holding time” each day.  But he is independent in most ways, potty trained and sitting on the “big toi-yet.”  He does not want to wear pull-ups at night but does to appease me.  After our vacation I will risk underwear at night.

On The Blitz’s birthday, his older sister made him a cake shaped like a dog.  It looked like one of our dogs and was super cute.  When Dear Hubby started to cut a leg off for the birthday boy’s piece of cake, he had a fit.  “Don’t cut my poor dog,” he cried!  Eventually he let us talk him into it but, as he himself would say, “That was a close one!”

He is adorable, articulate, fun, funny and a downright handful.  And we simply love him to pieces.  Happy birthday, Love Bug!

This child began life outside the womb at 27 weeks gestation; he weighed 2 lbs. 7 oz.  He was tiny.  I didn’t know him then, although it seems as though I’ve always known him. He went from the hospital (several weeks later!) straight to foster care and his foster parents loved him as their own.  Thus he had the best possible start in life:  two parents who loved and cherished him.

He came to us at 10 months, a sweet and joyful baby.  He began crawling at about 11 months and walked at 16 months.  He got his nickname, “The Blitz” because the minute he began crawling, he was as fast as lightening and could  destroy a room in seconds.  Shortly after entering, he’d empty every cupboard and drawer, and then leave to wreak havoc elsewhere.  He was so fast sometimes we did not even know he’d “struck” until hours later.

Now, at 3, he is still earning his nickname.  Two days ago he unrolled the whole roll of toilet paper into the toilet and then tried to flush it.  A flood ensued and it took two hours (I am not exaggerating) to extract all the water.

On the day he turned three, he told me to “put the potty in the attic.  I use the big toi-yet now.”  He is also done with his high chair.  He’s tiny — his birthday gifts were all size two and are huge on him – but he is big “on the inside.”  He talks up a storm.  So much so that occasionally, I have to say, “shhhh – mommy needs a minute to think!”  He sings constantly.  His favorite songs are ones he makes up, like “I love Grandma” and ” I have a new shirt” to the tune of “Twinkle Star” and “Old McDonald.”

All of this is not to brag but to say:  This child is a foster care success story.  He shows no signs of attachment issues or any other trauma. He has a wheat allergy but is otherwise strong and healthy.  He is happy, well-adjusted, bright and articulate.  The baby of our family, he is a bright light and beloved by all.  I am grateful.

Photo credit:  Dreena T

2 years into the process, we have finally found a toy system that mostly works and a pretty good laundry system.  The key to both systems is to acknowledge that I am always going to be rotating outgrown laundry and that there will always be toys on the floor of their room.  Whew, just getting there is a relief!

Clothes:  As the clothes come out of the dryer, I sort them into outfits and put them on hangers.  I know, I know:  kids need choices!  I let them choose which of two outfits they prefer and that seems to meet that need.  Out of season clothes go in the dresser drawer.  That way they’re handy if needed.  Pajamas and rolled socks also go in dresser and each child has his or her own drawers.  Shoes go in the “shoe box.”  I only keep shoes that fit in the shoe box and they can easily get them themselves when we prepare to go somewhere.  I also keep a pair of PJs, a pair of socks and some underwear in the laundry room with an outfit apiece in case I need to dress one while the others are sleeping.  Outgrown clothes are sorted into giveaway, throw away, and attic storage.

Toys go into either the doll basket, the truck box or the toy box.  In their closet are two huge totes of “extra toys.”  Once a quarter, we take out the totes, choose a few new toys and rotate in most of the ones currently in use.  The exception, of course, is “special” or “favorite” toys.  Those stay out until they are no longer favorite or special.  As I do this quarterly swap, I also weed out things that are broken, didn’t meet our expectations (give-away bag) or are too young.  The “too young” toys are mostly given away with a handful saved for foster kids.

This is what is working for us right now.  What works for you?

Photo credit:  Dreena T