I wish all agencies would open their eyes and realize how much potential for good they have at their fingertips. They have the ability to provide you with everything you need in one quick stop. Some fall short, however, leaving you under-represented legally or under-counseled emotionally.

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Good agencies do the following things:

Provide you with a wide array of potential families from which to choose. They won’t limit the number from which you can pick and will actively work to continue the search if no one seems to stick out.

Provide you with your own legal counsel, one that isn’t representing the adoptive family as well. I find that when adoptive agencies actually do this, it is worth its own weight in gold. I don’t know about you, but when I was expecting my daughter, I didn’t know any lawyers, I didn’t know how to get one and I didn’t have the money with which to get one of my own. An agency that provides one for you saves you a lot of time and money during a very complicated time in your life!

Provide you with unbiased, third party counseling. If the agency actually provides you with counseling from someone who doesn’t work for the agency and doesn’t benefit if you place your child, again they’re doing you a world of good. Understanding the complex emotions of the decision and being presented with a safe place to discuss options and fears is a quality way to make sure you’re getting everything you need.

Some agencies provide you with information on how to find a doctor that accepts your medical coverage. Some will help you fill out the necessary paperwork to get on Medicaid or receive public assistance. These are vital bits of help if you’ve never had to deal with these things before.

And other things!

Really, the fact that you can find all of that in one place is great. It helps the process seem less overwhelming. The trick is, of course, to find one that provides all of those things and that is honest and upfront with you at all times. They should always remind you that you are not required to place your baby if you work with them through any part of your pregnancy.

The truth is that good agencies do exist and, if you find one, you should feel lucky! Best of luck in your search!

The issue is parenting after placement and the concept of the “replacement baby.”

When I was pregnant with the Munchkin, my aunt verbalized a fear to my mom that she thought I would just “go out and get pregnant” to replace the loss of my firstborn (whom I was planning to and did eventually place for adoption). I thought her idea was ridiculous. I’ll talk more about my personal experience in just a minute. For now, however, let’s talk about how the agencies are handling this topic.

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Most agencies tell you that “giving up” this baby won’t be a huge ordeal, that you can “have another baby” at another time. They use phrases like “when you’re ready” or “when the time is right.” What they don’t tell you is that things can happen between now and whenever it is that the time might be right. In fact, the process of labor and delivery can cause irreparable damage to your uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries which can make it impossible to conceive later in life. (Rare but it does happen.) As some birth mothers realizes these facts and their biological clocks start ticking, they begin to panic a bit. Add in the grief of having placed a baby for adoption and sometimes things can get a little hairy.

Even if you aren’t running out trying to purposefully conceive as soon as possible, knowing your reasons for wanting another baby are important. I was one of the ones who was poorly counseled as to how my health would affect my future baby carrying days. A doctor told me shortly after I delivered the Munchkin that I needed to have my children “quickly” if I wanted to be able to carry a baby to full term. Shock to my system! Even though I was in a great financial place, married and trying to conceive, it was still a shock when I did. The emotions that the process of being pregnant and having another baby brought up were hard to handle at times. It was at that point in my journey that I sought therapy for the first time. I only wish that my agency would have had enough forethought to tell me to seek counseling before we tried to conceive!

The truth is that no baby that you bring into your home will ever replace the one that you placed for adoption. You might experience a wide range of emotion as well, sometimes feeling guilty and sometimes feeling so darn happy that you could burst. Those are all normal decisions. As long as you are aware of those things and you know that you cannot replace that child, having and parenting children is a wonderful, rewarding experience. Challenging, yes, but wonderful as well. Don’t allow yourself to fall into the trap of thinking that another child can replace one and you’ll be just fine. And then you can tell those other people that your “bad decisions” are, quite honestly, wonderful ones.

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We worry about how our child is being raised. Is she happy? Is she loved? Is she having enough fun? Is he having to much fun? We worry about their education. Is he smart? Is she gifted? Is he struggling? Is the school system good enough? Will she be challenged enough? We worry about health. Is he healthy? Does she have any of my health issues? Is he growing at an acceptable rate? Will she be tall? Will he be short? We worry about their personalities. Is he like me? Is she shy? Is he the class clown? Is she a social butterfly? We worry about our children, just like every other mom and dad.

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We also have additional worries thrown in for some extra pizazz. We worry about the relationship we have with the adoptive parents, whether in an open adoption or in reunion. Am I stepping on toes? Do they really like me or is this just a show? Am I pushing too hard or do they actually see me as aloof? We worry about the open adoption relationship being closed if we make a mistake. Did they understand what I said? Should I have worded it differently? If I have to cancel this visit, will I be risking everything? We worry about that first reunion meeting. Do I look all right? Will they think me classy enough? Will they think me snobby? Do I sound educated enough? What if I stumble on my words because I’m so emotional? What if I cry?! We worry about visits with extended family members. Do they think that I don’t belong here? That I’m intruding? Do they want me to leave? Are they judging me. The list goes on.

Of course, the trick is not to dwell in the worry. I’ve found that it’s okay to entertain these thoughts for short periods of time and maybe even a little longer when you’re on your own. However, if you’re actively on a visit, shoving them to the back of your mind, while difficult, is a necessity. Staying present in the moment will actually clear up some of those fears and worries. You might stumble over your words less if you’re not worrying about them. You might not step on toes if you aren’t worried about doing so.

The other things, the everyday worries, however, are things we learn to live with, as parents or birth parents or grandparents or whomever. These are the things, minus the physical shelter and the unconditional love a child, that we really can’t control no matter who we are to the child in question. As long as your child is being physically cared for and loved fully, the worries are somewhat useless. Our children will grow and become their own person. Sometimes we get to help shape that when we’re doing the actual parenting. You can also argue that your genetic makeup, passed on to your child, helps shape that a little as well. If you’re an active participant in your child’s life via open adoption, you can also pass on some great seeds to sow over the years. But, in the end, our children make their own decisions, become who they want to be and we, as parents of any kind, take a backseat. I know we don’t worry any less but knowing that the worry won’t solve anything might make it a little easier to handle.

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Some expectant parents want their child to be raised in a family that subscribes to their beliefs. They want their child to attend the same kind of church that they attended while growing up. Some get as specific as to require the same denomination. Similarly, some expectant parents are seeking parents who identify as atheist or agnostic, either because they were raised that way and that’s what they believe or because they no longer believe in the system in which they were raised. For some of these parents, the religion question and answer is the make-or-break deal of choosing a family.

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And that can be dangerous for their relationship in the future.

Why? While changing a religion isn’t as easy as changing the style of one’s hair, it happens. One of my birth mother friends found out after she reunited with her son that early in his childhood his parents had converted to a religion that she was not familiar with and, ultimately, not comfortable with. If you’re considering an open adoption, how would that make you feel if the adoptive parents called you up and said, “Well, we’re now X religion.” Or, “We don’t believe in God anymore.” Or any variation thereof. Would you be devastated? If it is your make-or-break deal, would you be able to cope with such a huge change?

I ask you these questions knowing that no one group is exempt from changes in faith. Things like death, severe illness, financial hardship and even good, quality life changes can make a person think, “Why is it that I believe what I do? Is there a better fit?” You, as an expectant parent who might place your baby for adoption, are not exempt either. Next year, five years from now or twenty years from now, you may (or may not) feel differently about your beliefs as they are today.

So what’s an expectant parent to do? Do you place and risk you child being raised a different religion in the end? Do you parent and realize that if you change your mind at least you’re the one doing the changing and not someone else? I don’t actually have the answers. I only bring this subject up so that you may further delve into what is and is not important in your own search for a family for your child. Asking these questions of yourself and of potential families will help create understanding and foster an on-going dialogue over the years should you choose to place. If you refrain from asking these questions of a family, not knowing the answers could either eat at you for years or shock you when the answers are finally learned. If religion is one of your key points, please make sure to have the discussions early and often.

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“Our [child's] birth mother keeps making bad decisions.”

I actually received an email with a similar sentence this past week and it made me think. It didn’t bother me, as much, to see it in an email. It also wouldn’t bother me, too deeply, if I was having a one-on-one conversation with an adoptive parent on the matter. It does, however, hit a big nerve with me to see it in written form on a public Internet forum, be it blog or actual forum.

A Google search for “birth mother” makes “bad decisions” brought up 1,250 results, though not all were an example of what I’m discussing now. If you remove the space in birth mother to make it one word (birthmother), it brings up over 28,000 results. While it may not be the most frequently discussed thing on the Internet, I still have an issue with the how and why of it being discussed in such a public forum. Again, not everyone is doing it but I find it necessary to discuss for a moment.

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Let’s switch it up and create a hypothetical situation. If I was to talk about the (imaginary) bad decisions on this blog, or any other, that my daughter’s adoptive mom made, I would be hung out to dry. As she is doing the parenting and I, quite simply, am not, I should not cross the boundary to dissect her parenting or other pertinent life decisions. I wouldn’t do it to her in person, unless I felt she was harming my child, and I certainly wouldn’t air her dirty laundry online for everyone to poke at. And yet, it’s somehow acceptable to discuss the so-called bad decisions of birth parents online. I can’t quite figure out why other than the adoptive parents do hold the power in the relationship.

I wonder how the birth parents in question would feel if they happened upon the forum and blog postings with such topics. Would they feel unfairly represented, as only one side of the story is being presented in these things? Then again, I know that birth parents have discussed things they dislike about the adoptive families. So, maybe it’s fair. Maybe it’s not.

Here’s the fact though: we all make bad decisions. Adoptive parents, birth parents, adoptees, social workers, attorneys and Joe Schmoe. We all do! I don’t share pictures of myself in college because I had a really, really bad hair decision. There was also that one time in college that I had an err in judgment and ended up in a very dangerous situation. As a parent, I once forgot to buckle my child’s carseat in right because I was in a rush based off of bad time management and a series of poor decisions earlier that morning. I am not, however, identified by my bad decisions either in my life or in how my daughter’s mom discusses me with her. I hope that those venting on the Internet (because, let’s be honest, we’ve all vented on the Internet) are merely seeking some comfort in others and not also portraying their child’s birth parent in such a negative manner.

Of course, there is the fact that the Internet retains all. What you write now or have written may come back to haunt you at the fingertips of your child’s intelligent mind. I am cognizant of that when sharing information about my grief process, my daughter’s family and life in general. I hope that other families are thinking the same when they share things on the web, too. It’s a fine line, these boundaries of adoption speak. I hope maybe we can all learn from them.

All this said, I am going to talk about a bad decision that I have seen other birth parents make and why it would behoove birth parents to avoid such a thing. Tune in!

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Then I continued on with my story.

It didn’t quite happen that way the first time. I stumbled on my words. I think I ended up confusing the person I was talking to for a good five minutes. She eventually caught on though I was still stumbling around, trying to find words with an elevated blood pressure. Why was I so flustered? I can’t be sure.

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I do know that the first time it happened I was in a not-so-great place with my adoption journey. To have it assumed that I was a, gasp, adoptive parent seemed like something horrific to me. On top of that, I knew that birth parents were so stigmatized in our world and, darn it, I didn’t want to have to carry that cross either! I suddenly felt uncomfortable sharing my story at all and would have made a hasty exit, stage left, if I hadn’t been sitting at my own kitchen table.

My, how I’ve grown.

As my new friend expressed her confusion, I took a moment to mentally regroup and simply said, “No, I placed my daughter. She has a great adoptive mom. We have an open adoption.” I then continued on with the story of my complicated pregnancy, decision to place, mentioned the agency briefly and ended up where we are today. She asked a few questions and then we talked about what we had met for in the first place.

I compared the two scenarios in my head in the days that followed the most recent experience. As I said, how I handled it last week is pure evidence of my growth. I didn’t balk at the idea of being thought of as an adoptive parent. I didn’t suddenly want to abandon my title of birth mother. I simply stated the facts and continued on. I think it might be because I don’t let the role of birth mother define me. Being thought of as another member of the triad is merely a brief bit of confusion, not an identity crisis. I know that I’m not evidence of the negative stereotypes. I know that I’m a good person. Therefore, I don’t care if letting them know who I am in the adoption triad makes them doubt me as they have thought of me in the past. If they’re good people, they’ll know that I am as well.

I’m proud of me. I’ve come a long way! I hope you will as well.

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Confusing, isn’t it? Let’s break it down.

I’ll reiterate: open adoptions are not illegal. No state has a law, rule, ammendment or other such legal mumbo-jumbo that makes open adoptions against the law. No matter where you live, you have a right to request and follow through with an open adoption plan. What that means, of course, is up to you. You can have a semi-open adoption with annual pictures or letters. You can talk on the phone or via email. You can have a fully open adoption with visits and all identifying information exchanged. Whatever you feel works for you and your child’s family is totally legal.

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The problem is that only some states allow for legally binding open adoption agreements, not all. If you’re lucky enough to live in one of those states, you can feel somewhat secure in the fact that any agreement you sign with your child’s adoptive family will be acknowledged in a court of law. However, issues do exist as to how these agreements are upheld and whether or not action will be taken to make sure that parties are doing their part. Some states require mediation while others are kind of ambivalent as to what action can or should take place when an issue arises.

Of course, if you don’t live in a state that allows for legally binding open adoptions and you find that the other party is not living up to what they promised, you’re out of luck. That means that if the adoptive family decides to close the adoption and move to Zimbabwe without giving you their contact information, you have no recourse in a court of law. These states don’t regulate or care about the amount of contact you have, or lack, after your parental rights are terminated. Similarly, if you, as a birth parent, were to fail to uphold your agreement, the adoptive parents have no ability to make sure that you start doing what you promised. In these extreme cases, on either side of the adult triad, the child loses out.

There are ethical and moral considerations as to whether open adoptions should be legally binding in all states. Whatever the case, openness is never illegal. If you are considering an adoption plan, don’t be afraid that you are somehow breaking the law by wanting to have on-going contact with your child. You’re a-okay in that respect!

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I made a new friend online. She is local and a sporadic reader of my blog though we interact in real life and on twitter with regularity. Over lunch one day, we were discussing our lives in greater detail. I was talking about my two parented sons when she said, “And what about your daughter?” Assuming that she had read a little bit, I begin to give my short-but-to-the-point story of how the Munchkin came to be adopted. She interrupted me at one point and said, “Wait, you gave her up for adoption? Wow. I mean, I just briefly saw the words adoption and daughter on a post that I didn’t really read and assumed that meant you adopted a girl.”

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End scene.

Has anyone else had this experience of someone hearing the word adoption and assuming that meant that you were the one doing the adopting? I didn’t take offense. I really find it quite comical. In fact, it really makes sense when you stop to think about it at any great length.

For far too long, women who found themselves pregnant were shipped off to live in homes or with Aunt Gertrude. They came back after the baby was born and placed and no one was clued in. Secrets were the norm. As such, who birth parents were in our society remained a secret. We never knew who these women were that were forced to relinquish. As times have changed and progressed in the realm of openness, we have been confronted, head on, with what a birth mother looks like, acts like, speaks like and, really, who she is out from under the shroud of secrecy. Of course, we have found that birth mothers are their own unique people. While some of us share similarities, we all look, act, speak and are different. (That’s what makes us so awesome, by the way. I digress.)

As society gets used to our sudden visible presence, they’re still shocked when they find out that someone they know and respect “gave up” a baby. It’s not their fault (most of the time) as they have been conditioned to view us in various stereotypical ways. Some people view us as cold-hearted, unloving human beings. Some people assume we’re all drug addicted. Some people call us floozies and other derogatory terms. When we don’t fit any of those visualizations, people are taken aback. It’s laughable at times.

And so, I ask: has this happened to you? Have you brought up the subject of adoption and had it assumed that you were therefore the adoptive parent? How did you handle it? (I’ll discuss how I handled it tomorrow!)

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Don’t despair. Too much.

It can be difficult to differentiate fact from opinion as you wade through the waters of everyone’s experiences. Sometimes the opinions are easy to spot. Insults are usually opinions. Anyone who is calling you names, degrading you or generally making you feel bad about yourself isn’t likely giving you facts. The gray areas come when well intentioned people tell you things that  might not sound positive but might sound true.

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Examples include:

1. Younger moms have more complicated pregnancies. (True.)
2. ANY amount of caffeine while pregnant will result in a child with ADHD. (Not quite true.)
3. If you place your child for adoption, you’re a bad person with no heart. (False.)

As you can see, each of these has some basis in truth. However, the way that the information is shared with you skews how you respond to it. If someone tells you, gently and with care, that younger moms have more complicated pregnancies along with tips on how to avoid those complications, you would take it as fact. If someone spouts off to you that you’re damaging your life and your baby’s because your too young to successfully carry a baby without issue, it comes off as an attack-laced-opinion. Moving on, caffeine in moderation is acceptable and, if you’re reading this, my guess is that you’re not a bad person lacking a heart.

One question to ask yourself when faced with someone offering you a statement that seems a bit difficult to swallow is this: does this person have an ulterior motive or agenda? Do you know that person to usually have your best interest at heart? Do they take issue with young mothers, abortion, the adoption industry, public assistance or any other things that you are currently experiencing or considering? Did they lose a baby to pregnancy complications? Were they adopted? Are they adoptive parents? Are they a birth parent? The list of questions goes on that you need to ask yourself before you freak out at the information presented to you. Ask them a few questions after they share their latest opinion or statistic. Sometimes you’ll find that after the offensive comment will follow an interesting story that you actually can benefit from as long as the other person is willing to let their walls fall just a little bit. It’s those stories that can best help you make the decisions that await you on this journey of yours.

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Not so fast and not so true.

In working with the agency through which I placed, I was told, time and time again, that I could go on to have babies later in life, when the time was right. What no one said to me at that point (not even my doctors) was that my kidney disorder limited the time that I had to carry children to term. No one told me about my biological clock either. I had no idea that it would be significantly more difficult to conceive after the age of 30.

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Society, as a whole, pushes women to wait to have babies. We are told to start our careers, become financially stable on our own, locate an appropriate mate, get engaged after a lengthy dating period, get married after an appropriate time of being engaged and then wait a few years to have children. When a woman is younger, even just out of college as I was, she is judged harshly for doing things out of order. Some of that has to do with the lack of marriage but even some women who marry young and subsequently have children at an earlier age are looked at with judgmental eyes. They are seen as less than both on the mommy field and the work field. Yet, when it comes to science, biology is favoring the younger mother.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not telling teenagers to run out and get pregnant. (In fact, teens are at risk for pregnancy complications.) I’m not telling college students to drop out and start having babies. I’m not even telling young professional women to abandon their hopes and dreams of a rewarding career. I am sharing this information here so that younger mothers who are already pregnant and making decisions regarding their future might have a bit of the bigger picture. Yes, you can place your baby for adoption now. Yes, you can parent now. Yes, you can go on to have other children later, whether you parent or place. But don’t let a doctor, an agency, an attorney or your own family drive it into your head that you have to wait for the perfect time to have a baby. Ask any parent out there: the perfect time doesn’t exist.

I’m not trying to scare you into keeping your baby out of fear that you may never have another. I just want you to be aware that one easily acquired pregnancy doesn’t mean you will always have an easy time getting pregnant. Keeping the future in mind as you make your decisions is just as important as keeping your present situation in mind. What you choose now will affect your life forever, no matter the path that you take. Try and keep that in mind as you move forward in your plans.

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