Anyway, here’s the thing: Adam is already ‘medically’ circumcised, but from what I understand he would need, um, a little bit more work done to be considered ‘Jewishly’ circumcised. So it’s not like he needs to have the entire procedure, and he’ll be under general anesthesia so he won’t remember any of it anyway.

And even if he wasn’t already circumcised at all, we would still go ahead with the circumcision and not a Brit shalom – which is a ceremony similar to the Brit Milah (circumcision) without any actual cutting.

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Did you ever watch the movie Fiddler on the Roof? Tevye has five daughters, and three get married during the movie. The first chooses a man without her parents’ involvement, the second chooses a man without her parents’ permission, and the third marries a non-Jew without the acceptance of her parents. There are some things that connect all Jews, and there are some things that divide us – and always will. While I personally consider myself a very open-minded Jew, respectful of each and everyone’s choices in practicing their religion, there are some things that I will not change, that I feel just cannot change.

This isn’t an adoption issue – it’s a religious issue. And I know that those who are against later circumcision are also against early circumcision. I personally don’t believe that circumcision leads to any medical issues, and I’ve seen just as many medical studies that says it prevents certain cancers or what not.

I believe that circumcision is like coffee. Some people always drink it, some wouldn’t touch the stuff. Some studies show it’s bad for you, some say it’s good for you, and some say that the other studies show nothing at all.

Last night, my husband was asking me what I thought about a future four year old Adam finally adopted, finally undergoing circumcision in preparation for a Jewish conversion. Wouldn’t that be traumatic? he asked. I told him that no, Adam would be under anesthesia and probably wouldn’t remember anything and anyway, I explained, I’m sure a decision will be made one way or another much sooner than that.

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But my husband’s fear comes not from the procedure itself, but the current fear of the unknown – what will happen with Adam? I think that my husband and I were much better with this emotionally when it looked like it really could go either way, or when it looked for a while like Adam might go back to biological family. But now it looks like he’ll be staying with us. It looks like he will become available for adoption… but no official decision has been made.

I think as much as we may not look forward to putting an older child through a ritual circumcision, I think we are both deep down looking for some finality on Adam’s case.

If and when the time comes, we will find a Mohel – a person trained both medically and in Jewish law to perform circumcisions – who specializes in older children.

And hopefully by then I will have found a good way to explain what we are doing to Anna.

Who’s child is sitting up? Which child is talking? Already? No, wait, my kid is already reading at a third grade level at the age of five. Oh – but you didn’t hear what my daughter did the other day….

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Everyone seemed to want to ‘one-up’ the other in terms of which kid was more advanced. And on the flip side, if there was a child who was delayed in some way, or physically or mentally challenged, it would be the same thing all over again: My son isn’t even sitting up yet! My child is only now just starting to talk – at four! Etc.

I watched this all – as a pre-parent – and vowed I would never be like one of those parents.

And yet I am. I regret to say it, but I am. Maybe not half as bad as some, but bad enough that I catch myself doing it. I don’t like it – I tell myself not to talk like that and yet I find the words coming out of my mouth. Is this the inevitable tendency of parents to talk this way? Is it out of some subconscious desire to make sure that my kids are just as normal as others that I do this?

As we are about to go into Shabbat here, I ponder this idea as I watch my kids get ready for bed. I hope not to find myself comparing my kid to other peoples’. Maybe it is just one of those normal parent things to do…

It’s not something that I’d recommend to every parent. To us, the idea of having a child come into our house, fill our home with baby and kid stuff and then to have that child leave would be heartbreaking – that is, assuming we had our heart set on that child’s adoption.

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With our first child, we knew we would be hugely emotionally invested in the outcome. I think it would have been different if we had other children in the home, but if Anna’s adoption hadn’t gone through we would be left emotionally and physically empty.

When the state called us with Anna’s case, I had a long talk with several people on the phone regarding the details. Everyone involved was very confident that it would go through to adoption. And it did, thankfully for us.

Then we had a foster son about two years ago – a case that we knew from the start would not go through to adoption.

Adam is our third long-term placement. And though it seems that the case is leaning towards adoption, it’s still too close to call and as far as I know a trial date has not yet been put on the calendar.

It’s frustrating. What’s more frustrating, honestly, is the pace at which the state moves and the fact that one hand doesn’t seem to talk to the other. It’s frustrating that his caseworker has no new news for me one way or the other. It’s frustrating at the lack of communication between all the lawyers and state workers. It’s frustrating that in just over a month, Adam will have been with us a year – he actually arrived the day before Rosh HaShanah (the Jewish New Year) and I feel like we are no closer to a permanency plan for him now than we were then.

So we wait. And I’m giving you this non-update to tell you… nothing.

My grandmother made me get a haircut. I know to many of you, getting a haircut is not a big deal – but for me this was my first real haircut in a salon in about a decade. Why? First a little background on the topic of hair.

Hair, I have noticed, is for some reason wrapped up in Jewish traditions and stories. There is the custom among many – if not most – married Orthodox women to cover their hair. Then there is a custom in many circles not to cut a boy’s hair until he is three years old, and then to hold an Upsherin and cut his hair. (There is a great article from Aish.com , a right-wing Orthodox site, which does a good job of explaining why you may have seen little boys running around with long hair.) There is also the famous Biblical story of Samson and Delilah, where she is able to rob him of his strength by cutting his hair.

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I hadn’t cut my own hair for a few years before I got married as I was growing it long to donate. Once I got married, I followed in the tradition of covering my hair in public or in front of men who are not related to me. Therefore, the idea of going to a salon was just not practical. Granted, there are places for women only, or salons with a private room. But as I was never the ’salon’ type, I didn’t feel I was missing anything.

Every once in a while, I’d have a friend or my sister cut my hair, or I’d just cut it myself while standing in front of a mirror. Was it perfect? No. But then again… who was going to see my hair anyway?

A few weeks ago I cut it again. I don’t think I did that bad of a job – in fact I think it looked quite good. But I somehow let it slip to my prim and proper grandmother that I had cut my own locks and she was horrified. Without even seeing the result, she made an appointment at a local salon and made me promise to go. And like a dutiful good girl that I am, I went. Although I did try to protest, but resistance seems to be futile when arguing with my grandmother.

So I go into the salon and the stylist seems surprised to see someone of my age showing up for the appointment. It seems that my grandmother was kind enough to tell the beautician that her granddaughter had been playing around with scissors and had cut up her own hair… and of course she told me she had been expecting a seven year old.

Anyway, why am I telling you all this? I don’t know. But I really would like to know what the story is with our Adam – whether we will be able to adopt him or not. Because now, at 15 months, he’s got the biggest baby afro I have ever seen – and I’d really like to give it a little trim… but my husband won’t let me. If we are able to adopt him, my husband would like to let his hair grow until he’s three and then have the traditional Upsherin at that time.

My question is this: What if he’s older than three by the time we are able to adopt him? Do we still have an Upsherin then?

Conversion - A specific act or series of acts under rabbinic guidance whereby a person who was born into a different religion is officially brought into the Jewish faith.

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Mitzvah - A commandment. There are 613 mitzvot in the Torah (Five Books of Moses) and many more are outlined in the Talmud (Oral Law).

Movement, sect - Referring to one of the four main branches of Judaism – Orthodox, Conservative, Reconstructionist and Reform.

Traditional Movements - Usually refers to Orthodox and right-wing Conservative Judaism.

Matrilineal Descent - The idea that the Jewish religion is passed through the birth mother (idea held by all movements).

Patrilineal Descent - The idea that the Jewish religion can also be passed through the birth father (idea held by Reform and Reconstructionist movements).

Rabbi - Spiritual and religious leader, often associated with a synagogue or school. Although we do not believe that rabbis are any closer to G-d than we are, it is our tradition to turn to rabbis for advice and counsel during life-cycle events and for answers on matters of religious practice.

Intermarriage - The act of a Jew marrying a non-Jewish person who has not converted to Judaism.

Mikvah - A ritual bath (noun). Part of the traditional process of conversion involves immersion in a Mikvah.

Brit Milah/ Bris – Circumcision. Required in most movements for the birth of a baby boy or for the conversion of a boy.

But it is unclear – at what point during the period leading up to a major life event does it become appropriate to discuss the specifics or make your news public? So how do you know when is the right time for you to talk about your upcoming adoption with your friends and family?

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Here are some questions to ponder first before you start spreading the news. Keep in mind that while there is nothing wrong with talking about your adoption process with others – I actually think it’s helpful – once you start telling people, it’s hard to get people to stop talking to you about it.

Are you an open book or a private person? Did you talk about fertility treatments with others or did you keep the details more private? How comfortable are you with talking about the subject matter? How ready are you to answer prying questions about the ‘what’s, ‘why’s, ‘how’s and ‘when’s about your adoption?

I think that in most cases it’s appropriate to tell family first and then close friends. For us, our family and very close friends knew we were going through the process. But other than that no one really knew until Anna arrived. We knew that we had a long road ahead of us – it took seventeen months for the adoption to be finalized – and we knew we would have plenty of time for people to be nagging us for information. So we decided to keep things quiet until we had no choice but to talk about it.

And then the flood gates opened.

– Are they registered? Many (though not all) families decide to register for the arrival of a baby – it’s okay to ask or ask around to see if they’ve registered. Quite often, people prefer to buy something that is really needed or wanted rather than guess.

– Is this a first child? Or first child of that gender? If so, go with clothes. Clothes are always good. Actually, when we first met Anna (on a Friday – she came to live with us that Monday) one of the first things I did was to check the label on her shirt to see what size clothes she was wearing. Obviously it’s easy with a newborn to figure out what sizes to get, but often in the case of an adoption, newborn size may not be appropriate. Either ask what size they need, guess large, or make sure that you include a gift receipt so that the family can exchange it in case it does not fit.

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– Do you want a religious gift? If you are shopping for a Jewish family, don’t assume that anything ‘religious’ or something with the word “God” in it is appropriate. This may sound rather painfully obvious, but we actually received quite a few gifts from well-meaning friends that were just not appropriate. (Example: Baby’s first year book with Easter and Christmas, or Christian themed versions of Bible stories – very nice, but just no for us) If you are looking specifically for something Jewish, check out a local (or online) Judaica store. A nice mezuzzah for the child’s room, a menorah or child’s tzedakah (charity) box are some good ideas.

Adoptionblogs.com has a nice variety of blogs on different types and aspects of Adoption – which makes sense. Especially when you are first starting out and are looking for information on the different types of adoption, what your options really are and when you are looking to hear from “been there done that” parents, it’s nice to see that there are lots of people out there to share their expertise.

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But you’ll notice that Adoptionblogs.com also has a few religious blogs on their site… and you may wonder at the need for these blogs. The answer is this – if religion is part of who you are, part of how you would define yourself, and part of your life, then it will follow you through the adoption process and your journey as a parent. This is true no matter how involved you are with Judaism (or any religion for that matter, but I’m talking from the Jewish perspective of course).

Describing your level of religious affiliation is not the most comfortable subject for everyone to get into a discussion about, especially when they themselves are not sure where they stand. Indeed, it is often only when a couple is about to become parents that they actually address the issue of where they want to be religiously. If the couple is intermarried and has pushed off dealing with how to deal with the many, many issues involved, now is often the time that these topics – and often arguments surface.

And so, we have a Jewish adoption blog. I’m not an expert by any means, but I’m happy to entertain your questions or topics you’d like to see discussed. The boards (Jewish Adoption and Jewish Adoptive Parents) are often sleepy here, so please feel free to email me or leave comments as you come up with issues along the way.

In Judaism, a child that is legally adopted, converted where appropriate and being raised in your household is considered your child. No ifs ands or buts. And for life-cycle events in the Jewish religion, the child you adopted will always be considered part of the family.

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When a boy (or girl in some circles) is called up to the Torah to read for his Bar (or Bat) Mitzvah portion – and any time thereafter – he (or she) is called as So-and-so son/ daughter of name-of-parents. And maybe it seems to be a no-brainer to many that an adopted child would be called by the name of his/ her adopted parents in an official religious ceremony, but to me I’ve always thought it to be an affirmation of the fact that we are a ‘real’ family.

Additionally, an adopted child is obligated in the laws of death and mourning in the case of a loss of a close relative. A close relative is defined as spouse, mother, father, sister, brother, son or daughter. Of course, other family members are affected and participate in the funeral and mourning period, but only immediate family members recite the kaddish – the traditional mourners’ prayer – and are obligated by the laws of mourning. Whether or not an adopted child should observe the Jewish traditions for the loss of a biological family member is a good question, and G-d forbid that case should come up, you should contact your local rabbinic authority.

For an overview of the laws of Death and Mourning from various Jewish perspectives, check out this good link. May we only share in joyous occasions.