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The great question of identity and being a birth-first parent is one of the many combinations within and inherent to the human condition. I read a blog recently about a  how basically we think on our biological children and obsess almost, how they fill and captivate us and one day, for some, (not all) we wake up and the ache is a little less. This continues and you think, "Maybe I am ok?" There is a deep pain in birth-parents, and it is the loss of being a parent. Hold a baby and try not to cry. I dare you not to think about your child you placed. Last night, I cried for the first time in awhile over my baby. Funny how things work out. In church today I sat with a 2… [more]

I haven't talked about it too much, and frankly haven't noticed a whole lot of birth-first parents that talk about this. Signing off parental rights. I have a unique adoption story and anyone reading this knows their own story. Every story has a different flavor and experience, but we all share something similar. Phoenix was 8-9 months old when his birth-first father and I signed off rights. We had each been pulled aside by our court appointed attorney's and asked if we wanted to do it apart. Apparently we both agreed to stand together in front of the judge, and I will be frank, I don't remember a whole lot about that day. As we stood before the judge, he read us the termination of rights, and it was like being slowly stabbed, slowly and painfully flayed… [more]

For those who know, I am a birth-first mother who has experienced two unplanned pregnancies--one in adulthood and one in my teens. I have always had a "modus operandi"--a way of handling difficult things. Something in common with both pregnancies-- I ran away from responsibility, didn't face the truth of the situation and when things got tough I found a way to cope. I escaped into video games, and TV and decided to not face the change that would happen, whether I was ready or not. With the first born, Kenny, I celebrated and my pregnancy was very public and I was unaware of what it would take to become a parent. I had a ton of people come visit me in the hospital, and my family even welcomed me back into the… [more]

"I want it all, I want it right now." A line from a popular movie soundtrack--I have decided to write on the topic of depression. Society, in general, has an "I want it now" mentality. There is a lot one could say about this, on many topics, and situations--Let's look at it from where I am today... You know what I want? I want to stand up and proudly say who I am. I don't want to sugar coat my life's feelings and experiences, but I also want a positive outlook, more then that of a survivor. I was born to thrive. As a birthparent, I want acceptance and as a woman, I want unconditional love and friendship--no flakes accepted into my life. I hate dishonesty. Lets be open and allow the thoughts we have on adoption… [more]

No greater love could there ever be a love that encompasses sorrow

Not even the darkest night can smother its heavenly light

It holds the broken and weary, embraces the torn parts and puts them together whole

This love stretches and grows within wiggles and kicks and sings lullabies

This love lets go leaving empty arms and leaves an ache that time cannot touch.

This love lets love go.

This has been a subject on my heart for a long time, something I haven't been sure about how to approach until now. My pregnancies were really difficult emotionally and physically, as I spent one preparing to parent and one to place 7 years after that. Both choices are hard, and both have long term effects on your life. There was a lot of dark times when I was pregnant both times (ages 16 and 25), but I will focus on Phoenix's for the purpose of this blog. I remember fear so deep that it paralyzed me and kept me downtrodden, depression that could have capsized the Titanic with a thought. I didn't have a lot of family support and spent my pregnant life simply… [more]

Today is his 3rd birthday. It has been quiet today other then the sniffling and sneezing that has accompanied this 'wonderful' cold. The weather is dreary, and I hear a crow cawing. Aren't they supposed to go south or something? Anyways, my head is all over the place today  but my heart is generally at peace, despite not having seen him this year. I am ok with that, and kinda grateful to have a year that hasn't sent me into a complete depression. That is not saying that i will not cry, or have a moment when 3:30pm rolls around, or doesn't mean I won't feel a little sad, because it is ok. It is alright to grieve. It is ok to allow those… [more]

I spent last night playing various board games--Taboo, Scattergories, and a few others. It was fun, and despite plans of a movie falling through, it has been a decent holiday. The feelings of yesterday seemed to have their place, and the sorrow and grief that threatened to encompass me are sitting at my side like a faithful dog. I am choosing to allow them to be expressed; allowing myself to feel what I traditionally hid from. It's not that I didn't deal with them, I just wasn't willing to incorporate them into my life. Finding joy in the small things, like spending time with family and friends, is healing and therapeutic. It's funny how adoption changes things; how it makes simple things a touch more difficult… [more]

There is an emptiness aching in my chest tonight, throbbing and sending echoes of pain through me. It is keeping me up, and I am somewhat at unrest. I was laying in bed thinking about my idea of a perfect day, a perfect gift. I was thinking about Phoenix. I want to read him a story, hug him, know the joy of his smile beaming back at me. I want nothing more then a moment in time to say hello on this sorrowful Christmas. I sometimes feel like my heart is missing, and it wanders away to darker places for me. Today is one of those. He is going to wake up and have a Christmas with his family, and I will be here, thinking… [more]

Today I spent the better part of it with my oldest son. We took a walk around the town, went to the library, and I listened to him dream out loud. He wants to be an actor, has managed to push his D in math to a B and his music teacher see's promise in him as a singer. (I am so proud of him!) When I got pregnant with Phoenix, whom I placed for adoption, my oldest son named Kenny* was 7 years old. I didn't think I could ever love anyone else more then him. I felt like the Grinch, and when I held my littlest son in my arms I knew my heart had tripled in size. Being with my oldest… [more]