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Sometimes I look at my life, and the choices within it and it takes me back. My journey with adoption as a birth-first mother has transformed my life so much. It has changed my ability to love. I say it but truly mean it that when I saw Phoenix for the first time, and his red hair stuck up in a million directions that my heart grew. It has changed my capacity to love people in terrible situations but also I think made me more opinionated about certain things. Like life, and choosing life. Knowing what he did for me by simply being a squirmy lovely newborn I grew miles from a self centered and delusional girl. I had to make a decision and… [more]

When I woke up to the snow and ice, I woke with a smile. I dreamed of a friends little boy greeting me with such love and genuine joy that it lingers in my heart even now. I realized I miss a lot of things, some of them simple and selfish, some that are impossible-- I miss spring, flip flops and long hair. I miss waking up in my own apartment, living by my own rules. I miss my queen size mattress. I also miss feeling important to someone, wanted even.  I miss the small hand clasped in mine as we walk down to the library, now that my oldest son's hand is much bigger and he is much older. I miss reading "Guess… [more]

I had what some would perceive a very good end and start to my new year. On December 24th, 2012, the Adoptive parents and family came over to my house, and I saw Jimmy. Now if I haven't talked about Jimmy before that is because Jimmy is my son whom I named Phoenix. Tara and husband and kids enjoyed the time we had together. I had a nice clean house to call home to host in, handed out presents and spent time with a curious little four year old who holds my heart so delicately in his hands that he doesn't even know it's there. Jimmy and I played the piano together and he insisted that we sing Christmas carols together, namely only… [more]

Lately I have been struggling for the connection to the content of my heart, but as I laid in bed this evening it came to me. Inspired by a song by artist Kerli , "Beautiful day" I laid there and listened. The writer in me jumped into high gear as my muse returned from whatever cold land she returned from. How long had I been holding this wonderful feeling from myself? The revelation struck my heart with joy; Life is a miracle. As I revisited memories earlier this week, I was looking for the familiar pain to arise but the same grief I always seemed to write from wasn't there. I personally consider that to be a huge milestone for me, and am grateful to… [more]

The great question of identity and being a birth-first parent is one of the many combinations within and inherent to the human condition. I read a blog recently about a  how basically we think on our biological children and obsess almost, how they fill and captivate us and one day, for some, (not all) we wake up and the ache is a little less. This continues and you think, "Maybe I am ok?" There is a deep pain in birth-parents, and it is the loss of being a parent. Hold a baby and try not to cry. I dare you not to think about your child you placed. Last night, I cried for the first time in awhile over my baby. Funny how things work… [more]

I haven't talked about it too much, and frankly haven't noticed a whole lot of birth-first parents that talk about this. Signing off parental rights. I have a unique adoption story and anyone reading this knows their own story. Every story has a different flavor and experience, but we all share something similar. Phoenix was 8-9 months old when his birth-first father and I signed off rights. We had each been pulled aside by our court appointed attorney's and asked if we wanted to do it apart. Apparently we both agreed to stand together in front of the judge, and I will be frank, I don't remember a whole lot about that day. As we stood before the judge, he read us the termination of rights, and it… [more]

For those who know, I am a birth-first mother who has experienced two unplanned pregnancies--one in adulthood and one in my teens. I have always had a "modus operandi"--a way of handling difficult things. Something in common with both pregnancies-- I ran away from responsibility, didn't face the truth of the situation and when things got tough I found a way to cope. I escaped into video games, and TV and decided to not face the change that would happen, whether I was ready or not. With the first born, Kenny, I celebrated and my pregnancy was very public and I was unaware of what it would take to become a parent. I had a ton of people come visit me in the hospital, and my family even welcomed me back into the… [more]

"I want it all, I want it right now." A line from a popular movie soundtrack--I have decided to write on the topic of depression. Society, in general, has an "I want it now" mentality. There is a lot one could say about this, on many topics, and situations--Let's look at it from where I am today... You know what I want? I want to stand up and proudly say who I am. I don't want to sugar coat my life's feelings and experiences, but I also want a positive outlook, more then that of a survivor. I was born to thrive. As a birthparent, I want acceptance and as a woman, I want unconditional love and friendship--no flakes accepted into my life. I hate dishonesty. Lets be… [more]

No greater love could there ever be a love that encompasses sorrow

Not even the darkest night can smother its heavenly light

It holds the broken and weary, embraces the torn parts and puts them together whole

This love stretches and grows within wiggles and kicks and sings lullabies

This love lets go leaving empty arms and leaves an ache that time cannot touch.

This love lets love go.

This has been a subject on my heart for a long time, something I haven't been sure about how to approach until now. My pregnancies were really difficult emotionally and physically, as I spent one preparing to parent and one to place 7 years after that. Both choices are hard, and both have long term effects on your life. There was a lot of dark times when I was pregnant both times (ages 16 and 25), but I will focus on Phoenix's for the purpose of this blog. I remember fear so deep that it paralyzed me and kept me downtrodden, depression that could have capsized the Titanic with a thought. I didn't have a lot of family support and spent my pregnant life simply… [more]