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Hello Again! It's been quite awhile since I've been able to post and my apologies, I had a serious issue in my computer that was not allowing me onto the site. So, I'd like to make up for lost time! This post is very long, but I think worth the time to read, it's a lesson everyone touched by adoption needs to hear: my son is 27 years old now, and it's all still clear as a bell. Enjoy! Giving birth changes a woman forever. It is the most personal, emotional, incredible experience she will ever have. It is not an experience that can ever be forgotten or discounted. Women who have chosen adoption can no easier forget their child… [more]

Last post I asked you to share your adoption fears with me and one reader wrote about the fear of a birthmother changing her mind and the financial impact of this. I'll be honest here, I don't really know much about this but I'd love to hear from all of you and learn more. I find it interesting that something that is a fear for an adoptive parent isn't shared with a birthmother. This just reiterates my point that there is too much that we are not sharing with both sides of the table! As a birthmother, I was never told anything about the financial risk or responsibilities of my choice for the adoptive parents. I have no idea what it costs for… [more]

Last month I posted a blog titled "What are you afraid of?" It discussed fears and how communicating these fears of adoptive parents and birthmothers is the key to building a trusting and successful relationship. My son's adoptive mother and I often shared our fears openly and I attribute the success of our arrangement to this fact. It was sometimes surprising to each of us to hear what the other was afraid of. So, I'd like to ask for your input here. Please comment on this and share with me your fears. Be honest, everyone has them and if we just start talking about them we can start getting past them. I want to hear what you think! This not only gives me… [more]

I talked with another birthmother recently and once again heard how the relationship she is having with the adoptive parents struggles due to fears. Fear seems to be what holds back many from building a trusting relationship - on both ends. But more often than not, these fears are unrealistic. So how do you know if what you are afraid of is real? Simple: ask. I still remember a call from my son's mother where she timidly admitted to me that she was afraid he would get mad at her and get in a car and drive to me. He was in his teens and doing what all teens do: use every tool in their life toolbox to hurt their… [more]

I talked to my son today on the phone. We haven't talked in a couple of weeks because we've both just been very busy. Afterwards he sent me an email with some dates he and his wife would be available for a visit. They didn't make it down for Christmas and all their presents are in a pile in my living room, no tree left to explain their presence. Life happens. And he's been knee deep in going to school to be a paramedic, volunteering as an EMT and Firefighter, remodeling his house, and finding time to be with his equally busy wife who is a nurse at the Mayo Clinic. But today, he called. People often ask me what Joe calls me - Pat, Birthmother, Mom, or even Aunt? It… [more]

I received an email from a reader recently, a birthmother who was frustrated with trying to build a relationship with her now grown child. She mentioned feeling that the adoptive mother was being overprotective and that this was somehow slowing down the process. She asked what she could do to keep things moving towards a more open relationship with her children. I think my answer surprised her. I told her to be grateful for the overprotective mother. In this particular case, the children had been in the social system a couple of years before being placed with the adoptive family. How lucky for those children to now be in the care of someone who is willing to defend them, protect them, and advocate… [more]

What determines success in adoption? Is it when the adoptive families feel they’ve forged a new family with tight bonds and lasting love? Is it when a birthmother can honestly say she has no regrets? Or is it when an adoptee grows up to be a self-confident person, secure in their knowledge of being adopted and secure in their feelings of being loved? How an adoptee feels regarding their adoption is almost completely dependant on the adoptive parents and birthparents that enter the agreement in the first place. It is because of this that I believe that success is best measured by the adoptee’s point of view. As a birthmother, I made my choice based on loving my child and wanting to choose what… [more]

A friend of mine sent me a wonderful book recently, "In On It: What adoptive parents would like you to know about adoption" by Elisabeth O'Toole. There's been so much written for members of the triad, what a great idea to have a resource for all the friends and family that support the triad members! A point I try hard to make in all of my books and speaking is that my choice to place my son for adoption was not just my own - it was a choice that had a profound effect on my entire family. I also know that my son's adoptive parents choice to create a family through adoption had a profound effect on their family… [more]

I recently presented at an adoption event, sharing my personal story of placing my son for adoption in 1985 in an open adoption and how my relationship developed with him and his adoptive parents over the years. As is typical in these events, everyone in the room was crying, including some not-so-tough-anymore looking men. I talked with many of these adoptive parents afterwards. More tears. Seems to me there's a lot about this topic that makes us cry. What's more confusing, is that some of it is a sad cry, but just as much of it is a happy cry! Leaving the hospital empty handed, sad crying. Adoptive parents who have waited 10 years for a baby finally holding their son… [more]

While the pressure to find the perfect name is a standard for any parent, for adoptive parents there is a door that opens up to a whole new set of questions that can become completely overwhelming. The Birthmother. Will she choose a name first? If she does should we keep it or change it? What if we have a name we’ve always wanted? Is there a “right” way to do this? We are unique individuals. This is why each adoption is so unique, and also why making a decision for a name will be unique as well. Most importantly, understand that your opinion DOES count. Talk about how you feel, be open and honest. On the other hand, also be respectful of what you… [more]