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My wife and I have two beautiful children, both of which came to us through the miracle of adoption. What a blessing. What a joy. Still, though, it’s been quite the bumpy road to get to where we are now. One of the toughest things we’ve had to deal with was the feeling of guilt and debt. I mean, our children’s birth parents gave us the most wonderful gift—the gift of parenthood—which came through a big sacrifice on their part. Our adoptions are very open and we’ve communicated freely and often all along the journey, which means that we saw the heartbreak in their eyes when they made the hard decisions. Even though they had their minds made up and they had their… [more]

Open adoption is a funny thing. Where’s the rule book? How are supposed to know what is right and what is wrong when it comes to setting boundaries? After all, the person on your left will tell you that you should have no boundaries—that you should feel comfortable letting your child’s birth parents into every facet of your life. And the person to your right will tell you you’re damaging the well-being of your child’s development if you let the birth parents receive anything more than a random photograph in the mail every few years. So, what’s right? Where’s the rule book? The answer: There is no rule book, and only you can truly know what’s right for your own home. That sounds all… [more]

Craig is one of my better friends and stops by all the time. He stays well informed about everything happening with my family and we often talked freely about the goings-on in our life. So when my wife and I adopted our son he was one of the first to stop by for a visit. We sat across the living room from one another talking about the different aspects of adoption—specifically about the things we hadn’t anticipated. We were talking about what it was like to be full-time parents while someone else, living somewhere completely separate, also carried a title of “parent”. It was something unique to get used to; a concept we needed to adjust our minds to. I had been… [more]

I love sociology. That’s what I majored in when I was in college (although my career has nothing to do with sociology now). There was a famous experiment by Milgram that just fascinated me. The volunteer sat in front of a switchboard and he was told to shock the other person every time a wrong answer was given. The person giving the answers to questions was out of sight—on the other side of a wall. After a while, the guy getting shocked started to complain about the pain, as if it was damaging his heart. Then when the volunteer looks to quit the experiment, some guy in a lab coat comes in and tells him he has to continue. So even though… [more]

There was a recent news story about a family being torn apart because the adopted daughter went back to her biological father. It’s always a tragedy when a family is torn apart, and it’s even worse when the situation could have- no wait, SHOULD HAVE been avoided in the first place. The problem was not the biological father petitioning for his daughter. The problem was with lies and deceit. I’m a big advocate for adoption and stories like this boil my blood. My wife and I spend so much time writing books, speaking in public, teaching classes, putting together panels, writing blog posts- everything you can think of because guess what… people in the general population have a lot of misconceptions about what… [more]

“So, what is this account for?” he asked. I was sitting across the desk from the man at the bank, opening a new account. Is there anything worse than sitting in a chair at the bank on a sunny summer afternoon? Seriously. If I ever start to suffer from insomnia I’m going to decorate my bedroom like a bank- that’ll put me right to sleep. “Getting my writing career going,” I said. “I need a separate account to keep track of everything- separate from my day job stuff.” “Oh really? That’s so cool. What are you planning to write about?” “It’s already written. In fact, it’s already out. It’s a book about open adoption. It’s our story.” “No kidding. My wife and I are planning to adopt.” “Oh… [more]

I was born in the 1970’s. Right there in the heat of the Roe v. Wade era when abortion became legal- not that my parents considered abortion since I was the 4th child out of what would be 6 and my parents had been married for a long time. Still, the fires of the topic were burning brightly at that time. It’s no coincidence that the laws for adoption began to change at the same time abortion became legal. Before that, all of the power for regulating adoptions was in the hands of the state. Caseworkers and adoption agencies did what they considered to be best for the adoption situations, which they considered to be closed adoptions. Not only was there no contact… [more]

“I know how a birthmother feels,” a man told me once. “My nephew and I were really close, but one day my brother told me he got a new job on the other side of the country and they would be moving. I miss that kid so much.” I couldn’t believe my ears. This man honestly thought he could directly relate to a birthmother because his nephew moved across the country. Wow. The human mind is a funny thing. When we’re little kids, everything is new to us. We spend our days exploring new shapes, situations, and ideas. Our minds are constantly being filled with concepts that are completely brand new to us, which makes the whole experience of being on this crazy world an exciting adventure. Once we become adults, though… [more]

“So how’s it going with your borther’s adoption process,” I asked. I hadn’t seen my friend, Jeff, in a few months and I knew his brother was on a waiting list to adopt. They’d had a hard time struggling with their infertility issues and, like many couples in similar situations, turned their focus toward adoption. “Good and bad,” he said. “The good thing is that they have a baby on the way. They actually got pregnant even though they were told they’d never have biological children!” Isn’t that just a kicker? Ha. If there’s one thing hopeful adoptive parents hate hate hate to hear, it’s that so many people tend to say, “Once you put in your papers, you’ll get pregnant.” It does happen, sure. It’s hardly the rule, though, and it’s said… [more]

“Kick, kick, kick!” I said, holding my little girl in the water. Back when I was a teenager, I spent a summer up on a lifeguard stand watching people splash and play. When I wasn’t up on my perch, I was down in the water giving swimming lessons. Being that I was one of the least experienced as well as the youngest of the swimming instructors, I was usually assigned to the younger age groups. When teaching kids how to swim, we started at the beginning- blowing bubbles and kicking from the side of the pool. The main goal with those seemingly simple activities was to get the kids accustomed to the water, breaking the fear of drowning by helping them get comfortable with water on their face, and learning how their… [more]