One of the toughest things we’ve had to deal with was the feeling of guilt and debt. I mean, our children’s birth parents gave us the most wonderful gift—the gift of parenthood—which came through a big sacrifice on their part. Our adoptions are very open and we’ve communicated freely and often all along the journey, which means that we saw the heartbreak in their eyes when they made the hard decisions. Even though they had their minds made up and they had their own internal confirmation that what they were doing was right, the separation they experienced caused a lot of heartbreak.

We felt guilty that we were on the receiving end of their pain. We felt like we needed to do our best to find a way to relieve that heartache, like their happiness was our responsibility. The gift of parenthood is priceless and we felt like we needed to find a way to repay it. How does someone repay a priceless gift? It’s a feeling of debt that we’ve had to come to terms with.

To give a greater perspective, I tell people about my small business. I began my own business about five years ago and things are going well now. During those first few years, especially since I started the business just months before the economic downturn, things were really tough. We were scraping by. We had a hard time making our business loan payments for a long time. Things are doing well now, though, and those payments aren’t too tough. And the best thing is that someday we’ll have them all paid off and every penny that comes in will be profit. Hooray!

What do we do when we’re feeling emotionally indebted to someone and there’s no way of paying it off. We can work and work at trying to repay our children’s birthparents for what they’ve given us, but there’s no way to repay a priceless gift.

We’ve come to learn that repayment isn’t what is expected of us. It’s impossible.

What we can do is to give back in the ways we know how. Open adoption is not for everyone, but my wife and I have chosen to open the doors of our home to invite our children’s birthparents in. They’re part of our family. They’re part of our lives. We can’t repay their priceless gift, but allowing them in is also a priceless gift. Apples and oranges, they can’t really be compared because they’re different from one another. Still, we do what we can do. We do our best to keep our hearts and minds open to each other’s needs. It’s not always easy, and it’s not for everyone, but open adoption has taught us a whole new way to love.

By Russell Elkins, author of Open Adoption, Open Heart: An Adoptive Father’s Inspiring Journey

Photo Credit

Open adoption is a funny thing. Where’s the rule book? How are supposed to know what is right and what is wrong when it comes to setting boundaries? After all, the person on your left will tell you that you should have no boundaries—that you should feel comfortable letting your child’s birth parents into every facet of your life. And the person to your right will tell you you’re damaging the well-being of your child’s development if you let the birth parents receive anything more than a random photograph in the mail every few years. So, what’s right? Where’s the rule book?

The answer: There is no rule book, and only you can truly know what’s right for your own home.
That sounds all perfect and polished, doesn’t it? It’s not. Almost everyone who hears that statement, that we need to do what is right for our own home, will nod their head and say—yes, you tell ‘em, brother. That’s the way it should be. Then I see people do horrible horrible things and I know they’re back there behind their closed door saying, “Hey. I know what’s right for my family!”

For example: I’m in constant contact with a lot of people in the adoption world from all over the country. This week someone asked for some advice on her situation. She was promised an open adoption (she’s a birth mom), but the adoptive parents didn’t follow through. It’s hard for me to judge the adoptive parents when I know so few details about why that is. After all, even though I have two beautiful and VERY open adoptions with my two children’s birth families,  if things got out of control my wife and I would have to make some serious changes. But that really didn’t seem to be the case. This adoptive family has chosen to keep their child’s biological roots a complete secret—like he was born to them biologically. Birth mom has been writing him random letters for over a decade and just barely found out that he hasn’t been shown a single one. And the worst part is that the birth mom had been getting letters from her biological son, only to find out that the adoptive parents were making it all up and writing those letters themselves.

This is what I’m talking about. How could someone possibly think this is a good idea. Not only are they hurting the birth mom, but their lives and insecurities will hurt their son—I’m almost certain of that. Still, I’d bet my life that the adoptive parents are sitting at home comfortably on their couch talking about how they know what’s best for their child.
So I have to change that previous answer to this: there is no rule book, but take everyone’s well-being into account. There is no room for selfishness in an open adoption by birth parents or by adoptive parents. Have you considered everyone’s wishes, or just your own? And yes, only you can know what’s right for you own home. Whether through meditation or prayer, have you honestly asked yourself whether or not your behavior fits within these guidelines?

Open adoption is the best thing to happen to my home, but it’s something that takes work. Everyone deals with different things, but a good healthy relationship is not only possible, it’s wonderful. My home is a testament to that. By Russell Elkins- author of Open Adoption, Open Heart: An Adoptive Father’s Inspiring Journey

Photo Credit

So when my wife and I adopted our son he was one of the first to stop by for a visit. We sat across the living room from one another talking about the different aspects of adoption—specifically about the things we hadn’t anticipated. We were talking about what it was like to be full-time parents while someone else, living somewhere completely separate, also carried a title of “parent”. It was something unique to get used to; a concept we needed to adjust our minds to. I had been thinking that I had no friends who knew what that was like to experience that—except for the new friends we had made during the adoption process. Yet, here we were, chatting with Craig and he kept nodding his head. His head nods were the kind that he seemed to be saying, “Oh yeah. I know how that is.” But how could he? He wasn’t an adoptive father. Still, he kept doing it, and even interjecting comments about how he understood. It began to frustrate me a little bit, as if my unique situation was being taken lightly.

Then it dawned on me. Oh my goodness. He does know I’m talking about! I had known him for years, usually seeing him with his wife and six year old daughter—their happy little family. The thing is, I never paid much attention to the other side of his family—the side that lived across town also claiming the title of “father”. Craig had no biological children. His daughter was his step daughter. Since I saw no difference in the way he was “Dad” when compared to anybody else around me. I had no contact with his daughter’s biological father, so I never thought about it. I never stopped to consider the types of things he was going through.

I’ve learned to let people relate to our adoption story in any way they know how. It’s human nature to start comparing the unknown to things we do know. That’s why when, if someone were to ask you what something tastes like, you will usually try to think of something similar. Most meats taste similar to chicken or beef, right? If I tell someone a piece of my story, they will naturally start scanning their mind for something to liken it to. They’re not downplaying what I’ve gone through. They’re not trying to tell me my situation isn’t unique or important. They may never really understand what it’s like to be in my shoes, but that’s okay. I’ll never know what it’s like to be in Craig’s shoes as a stepfather either.

By Russell Elkins, author of Open Adoption, Open Heart: An Adoptive Father’s Inspiring Journey

Photo Credit

By Russell Elkins, author of the book Open Adoption, Open Heart: An Adoptive Father’s Inspiring Journey

By Russell Elkins, author of Open Adoption, Open Heart

Photo Credit

By Russell Elkins, author of Open Adoption, Open Heart: An Adoptive Father’s Inspiring Journey

Photo Credit

It’s no coincidence that the laws for adoption began to change at the same time abortion became legal. Before that, all of the power for regulating adoptions was in the hands of the state. Caseworkers and adoption agencies did what they considered to be best for the adoption situations, which they considered to be closed adoptions. Not only was there no contact between biological parents and their child after placement, but the records regarding the process were sealed up and kept away from everybody’s eyes. A woman’s biological child placed years before for adoption could be living next door to each other or working together at the supermarket and they wouldn’t have any way of knowing.

Then, along with the legalization of abortion, the regulations for federal financial assistance changed. The concept of financially being able to support a child changed. Over just a matter of a few years, everything was different with adoption. Expecting mothers had more options and for the first time the power to choose what they wanted was in their own hands.

Still, there is something that’s bothering me that I have to get off my chest. Why oh why why why isn’t adoption a bigger part of the pro-life discussion? It seems that too often people just dismiss it- that the only 2 choices are keeping the baby or aborting it. There is a third option, of course. There is option of adoption. That needs to be part of the conversation. That needs to be in people’s mind as they’re considering what to do. I think, for the most part, people do “think” about adoption- it’s not like they don’t know it’s there, but they don’t understand it. The days of giving birth and never hearing about the child’s well-being are gone (unless that’s what the biological parents want). The days of having to try to put the past into the past and try to carry on with life as if nothing had happened are gone. Still, I don’t think people really know that.

I thank God every day, as I see my little boy play with his Thomas the Train toys, and my daughter squeeze her little baby doll, that some people understood there was a third option. I thank God every day for my ability to be a father, even though something crooked with my body is keeping me from having biological children. I happen to be strongly pro-life, but having the discussion of life vs. abortion isn’t even what I’m after. All I ask is that people remember there’s a third option, and the only way people can know that is if we open our mouths as much as everyone else. By Russell Elkins- author of Open Adoption, Open Heart: An Adoptive Father’s Inspiring Journey

I couldn’t believe my ears. This man honestly thought he could directly relate to a birthmother because his nephew moved across the country. Wow.

The human mind is a funny thing. When we’re little kids, everything is new to us. We spend our days exploring new shapes, situations, and ideas. Our minds are constantly being filled with concepts that are completely brand new to us, which makes the whole experience of being on this crazy world an exciting adventure. Once we become adults, though, we change the way we experience our surroundings. We no longer accept things as new or foreign. As adults, our automatic reaction to something alien is to compare it to something we already know. For example: when people started to migrate to America way way way back in the day, they started finding animals and crops they’d never seen before. They saw and animal that was kind of like an animal they’d seen in Africa, a water buffalo, so they called it a buffalo. The actual name given to that animal is a bison, but “buffalo” was a lot more familiar to people, so they called it that. So, if two people were talking, and one had never seen a bison, it would have been a lot easier to picture in their mind what the animal was like by calling it an American buffalo rather than a bison, because bison brought no automatic metal picture.

Enough rambling about that- I’ve found that a lot of people like to do their very best to try to relate. A lot of my friends have thought up different ways about how they relate to me as an adoptive father. The truth, though, is that my situation is very unique. There is nothing in the world just like adoption. Sure, there are some things- being a step father, for example, isn’t very far off.

A lot of the time, though, people try to draw similarities when they’re just not there. Taking 4 months to get pregnant is not the same as taking 4 years, but people will say “Oh yeah, we know what it’s like.” And taking 4 years to get pregnant isn’t quite the same as never being able to have kids. Being divorced and watching your kid grow up under a different roof isn’t quite the same as placing a child for adoption.

And yet, even though we often know they can’t relate, our confidantes are often times people who don’t know quite what we’re going through. My brothers are my closest confidantes, but they’ve never adopted. If I lay all my adoption stress on them, they’ll try to relate, but they’ve never been there. For others, it may be their mother, father, best friend, etc. All people who are great for giving a shoulder to cry on, but still may never fully understand it because they’ve never been there and probably never will be.

That’s why I love online social media. Hooray for support groups. My wife and I started a support group page on Facebook named after my book Open Adoption, Open Heart. People ask questions for advice, tell experiences, share opinions, etc. We mediate it, of course, to keep out the jerks, but there are many different opinions and we love hearing people who think differently than we do. We all work together and build each other up, giving support from people who have actually been there. Not only that, but people from all angles of the adoption triad are involved- birthparents, adoptees, adoptive parents, birth grandparents, etc. Being part of this circle has changed the way my mind thinks and has been one of the best things to happen to my adoptive mind. By Russell Elkins, author of Open Adoption, Open Heart: An Adoptive Father’s Inspiring Journey

I hadn’t seen my friend, Jeff, in a few months and I knew his brother was on a waiting list to adopt. They’d had a hard time struggling with their infertility issues and, like many couples in similar situations, turned their focus toward adoption.

“Good and bad,” he said. “The good thing is that they have a baby on the way. They actually got pregnant even though they were told they’d never have biological children!”

Isn’t that just a kicker? Ha. If there’s one thing hopeful adoptive parents hate hate hate to hear, it’s that so many people tend to say, “Once you put in your papers, you’ll get pregnant.” It does happen, sure. It’s hardly the rule, though, and it’s said so often that we adoptive parents cringe every time someone says it, even if they think they’re just being clever.

“So what’s the bad?” I said. “That sounds all good.”

“The waiting process really took a toll on them,” We spent a weekend with the two of them and they kept saying things like ‘our baby’ and ‘when our son comes home’ and all of that.”

“Oh no,” I said. “That’s a line that shouldn’t be crossed.”

“Yeah,” he continued. “So, they were there at the hospital with the biological mother and she decided at the last minute to parent her son. It seemed like everyone knew that was a possibility except for my brother and his wife and they were absolutely devastated.”

So, this type of situation begs the question: at what point is that child MY child? Is it okay to get attached?

The man and his wife in this story crossed into territory that was asking for trouble. First of all, I’ve been witness to a case where the hopeful adoptive parents were so overbearing with their sense of entitlement that the biological mother chose to parents largely because she felt she couldn’t choose THAT couple. The couple treated the biological mother like she was just a means to their personal goal. Who wouldn’t be turned off by something like that?

Simply put, that baby does not belong to the hopeful adoptive couple until the court system says it’s final. After that point, yes, fight fight fight for the child no matter what comes your way. Before that point, though, the child is not yours and you have to be willing to accept the biological parents’ decision.

This happened to my wife and me with both adoptions- especially with our second. We had to make a deliberate and conscious decision to support and love the potential birth parents no matter what they decided. If they had decided to parent, we would have loved and respected them just the same. Would it have been tough? Yes, of course it would have. Having high hopes on something, then having those hopes fall apart, would naturally lead to pain. There’s nothing wrong with that. The couple in the story above weren’t wrong because they hurt inside. No. They were wrong because they had inside of themselves a sense of entitlement to someone else’s baby. That type of mentality only hurts the adoptive world- both on the biological side as well as the adoptive side, because it causes a divide between those who should be united. If I were an expecting parent considering to place a child for adoption, that would be a huge red flag.

On the other hand, and easier said than done, is attachment. Should hopeful adoptive parents let themselves get attached? Well, and this may seem a little odd to some people, and some may disagree with me, but I say yes. Get attached. Are you setting yourself up for pain if it doesn’t happen your way? Yes, of course you are. There is a difference between being attached and feeling entitled. As the old saying goes, it’s better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. Love that child with all your heart, even if that child is not yours, and even if that child is not born. What child doesn’t deserve all the love the world can give? Just keep in mind that the child is not yours until that judge bangs his/her gavel. Love is what matters- love for the child and love for the biological parents. Base your life on love and you’ll be okay, even if you are at risk of feeling pain. By Russell Elkins, author of Open Adoption, Open Heart: An Adoptive Father’s Inspiring Journey